I saw a commercial for United Healthcare. The announcer said, "We here at United Healthcare know you have your whole life ahead of you." Of course, there was a young couple with little kids, toddlers on the screen. But I'm thinking, "Fuck no. This is the 'if you haven't worked your dream job, or lived in your dream house, or done that one thing that you wanted to do by now... it's pretty much too late.'" Sure, if you have the money, you could probably do that thing... sell your house, find the dream house. Although, it's probably too big now; too much to clean. And who's left to come visit you? Well, if you have kids and grandkids, it might be great, but if you're like me, no kids, no grandbabies to spoil... what's the point? There's no way we could afford to get my dream place. It would cost way too much. Places I've looked at, apartments or condos, to rent or buy are small. 665 square feet... how does one live in a place so small? My craft room alone is probably 160 sq. ft. I suppose if I lived alone, but fortunately, I have a husband who would like his space too. My dream place would be up high, in an apartment building, with an elevator and a doorman. I'd have a balcony so I could go out and look over my kingdom. If only.
Now I know there are seniors older than me who would say I'm still a baby, and I'm preaching to the choir, but this is really hard for me. I didn't watch time slip by while my kids went from one major achievement to another. Time just kept on going. I hate that things have changed so much. I went from my mom and dad's home, thinking that this was nice enough... hanging out with my friends in our basement, what was called Dinkuhn's Dungeon. We played foosball and table tennis, two games we had set up between the washer/dryer and the water tank and furnace. We all pitched in to buy an aquarium where we had Piranhas swimming merrily around as we fed them goldfish. We'd go for a ride in my brother's red Eagle, listening to Foghat and Aerosmith. Some of us smoked pot... I did not. Some of us drank while underage... I did not. Then someone fell in love with another who didn't feel the same. And another paired off and found staying at his place while his mom worked and having sex was more important than coming over to Dinkuhn's dungeon.
Then college started, and moving out was tested, and moving back in to regroup and moving out again. There were boyfriends and breakups and broken hearts along the way. There was college and jobs and unemployment and jobs that turned into a career, which wasn't the career I had wanted and hoped for, but I was wanted, and I liked it enough to stay. Then there was a boyfriend who became a fiancé and then a husband. There was a mortgage and loans and no way to stop the career that chose me to start one I would have chosen because a pay cut for a novice would have to happen, but there was no room for such a thing. There was an attempt at motherhood that couldn't sustain itself. There were tears and anger and regret and then friendships that broke my heart even more to the point that adoption wasn't viable.
then there was the big cross-country move to another world, one more progressive in some ways than I ever expected. And a job I loved but couldn't continue to work at without more income. Then a job I endured for 8 years, followed by another opportunity where they wanted me, so how could I say no? Then came breast cancer and chemo, and in the middle of treatment, a dismissal from a job I had for four years because I wasn't getting better fast enough to return to work.
Then there was pain and loss, and 15 years later, I'm 65 and not liking it one bit. I wish there was a magic pill that would help me come to terms with this. This will eventually look like nothing to be upset about when I'm unable to care for myself and someone is holding my hand as I close my eyes and never open them. I know it will happen eventually, but right now... a future that looks not bleak but not rosy is just so blah. But what can I do? This is life. I need an attitude adjustment. I know.
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